First I am so grateful for good results on my scan! It is great to have so many " unremarkable
" organs when I had so many issues just a few short months ago. Keeping positive that my liver will be "unremarkable
" too (or at least stable) and it was just a matter of having currents comparisons. I will deal with that
this fall after my daughters wedding September 1st.
Today I am dealing with making decisions while I am healthy and my mind is clear and functioning. My time-clock for my life is in a different time zone and I am trying to make the best decisions on how to use that time. I had to make contact with a Realtor to find out the value of our vacation property and cottage as far as selling or renting it out. We have been rehabbing for several years, so there is a lot of time, money, effort and headaches,sometimes. But we have loved it.
Now I have lung cancer. My treatment is on the other side of the state. My family is on the other side of the state. My sister has a small condo I can rent this summer to spend some more time with my sisters, their families and my folks who are aging very quickly right now. It became available suddenly when (and yes, this is true) the roof was struck by lightening and a hole blown right through. The current renters moved out, even though the hole can be repaired. They sort of freaked out. My sister is willing to let me rent to try it out without a lease for a couple of months. I have lived about an hour and a half away from them for about 15 years, near my husbands family. This is my chance to go to the lake, catch a movie, get pedicures, grab a coffee, hang out, and just in general reconnect with MY family. My treatment center is in Ann Arbor, where all my family lives. I stayed there while I went through chemo last summer and fall. Current treatment is oral, so I do not need to be there so frequently, so I am back near my husbands family. Alone, at home 10-11 hours a day, while my husband works. I do see friends or my in-laws sometimes, but lots of NORMAL people work. They aren't as available as I am. It seems like the right thing to do. Seems like the puzzle pieces are falling into place. Long term, I know with stage 4 cancer, I will need more treatment, more medical care than I can receive where I live now. And that also means seeing my husband on weekends only. We had done that for 2 years while I was trying to get a permanent job near our cottage. I worked as a contract worker for those 2 years, but that ended when I was diagnosed last summer.
But, that means selling or renting the cottage. I wonder (and I am sure there are others) who had to ask their spouse or loved ones to make sacrifices and changes to accommodate them in their cancer care. It is not just my dream, but my husbands dream of retiring near Lake Michigan that I am yanking the rug out from underneath. I contacted the real estate agent. She is looking into it, and will get back with me when she can tell me what our options are. I felt like I had eaten a bag of cement after I got her email reply that she would be glad to work with me. And when I told my husband ( I had discussed it with him, but he was dragging his feet a bit) I felt so sad. Cancer does have it's up sides....don't ask me to list them right now, but it also forces so many hard decisions. I don't feel like a really strong person. I have so many weaknesses. It is just so HARD to decide what is the right thing to do. I feel like if I need to make changes, it is best to do them while I can think, (24 hour morphine really messes with your thinking and reasoning abilities) I am pain killer free right now. My sisters are really wanting to spend some time with me. They are all younger and have jobs and children still at home, so their time and lives are a lot less flexible than mine.
How do you know when you are making the right choices? It feels selfish. Can I think of myself first right now? I grew up in a family where GUILT was sort of a family motto. I don't think I need to mention which religion I was raised in for you to figure that one out. Even though I never practiced that religion as an adult, some things are hard to get past. They become such a part of who we are. I want to do the right things. For everyone. It just seems really hard sometimes to separate ourselves from the responsibilities we feel for others.
Any opinions on this one?