This is really, really long, but I wanted to type this whole neurotic episode. It's a reminder for me, and I hope it will help others (Andrea!) when they wait for results, to not always assume the worst. Sometimes the brick doesn't fall on your head...
About 6 weeks ago I went for an MRI because of some problems I had and my Oncologist wanted me to have one done. Okay, this isn't entirely true, I planted the idea of an MRI in my Oncologist's head like a hypnotic suggestion because my regular doctor didn't think it was necessary since I had one a year ago, but I was having dizziness and vision problems again. I knew my Onc was my last chance. You learn the fine art of what I like to call medical manipulation when living in a small town in Oklahoma.
Anyway, I was the last appointment of the day at the hospital where the MRI is done. I really thought that they were going to find something this time, I had been so dizzy the previous week that I had to go to the ER, I had almost fainted at work. The night before the test, a friend of mine had told me that if they find something on the MRI, chances are they wouldn't let me drive home. So that whole day I had gone through work with that one thought hanging over my head, what if they ask me if I have someone to drive me, after the test is done? I don't have anyone to drive me around town. And in addition to that panic, it wasn't a matter anymore of waiting for the doctor's call, there was a possibility I would know THEN! So I sat and waited in the dark waiting room, almost shaking from nervousness, until the MRI Tech came and got me.
When I got into the area where the MRI would be done, the tech took my purse and locked it in a locker, along with my jewelry in this little plastic tupperware cup. She then asked me what I wanted to listen to, since they give you headphones and turn on a radio station of your choice. I told her the local classic rock station would be good because they play a good mix of classic rock. Little did I know that after 6:00 pm their format changes.
The tech put the headphones on me, and covered my eyes with a washcloth. I always dread the MRIs, I'm not normally claustrophobic but I will feel panic setting in every couple minutes, as soon as I go in the tube and I constantly have to talk myself down and take deep breathes to regain composure. So she slides me in and in a few minutes the music starts, really loud of course, to drown out the clunking of the machine.
It turns out that after 6:00 pm, the local radio station plays tracks of CDs, rather than individual songs. It also turns out, that on that night, at 6:15 pm, they decided to play the entire CD of Highway to Hell by AC/DC. Mind you, the tech had the radio turned up to the equivalent of what an Amtrak train speeding by would sound like if you were standing a foot away from the tracks. So the entire time of the MRI, which was about 4 hours- well, it seemed like 4 hours but was probably 20 minutes- I lay there with my eyes wide open beneath the washcloth, knowing that I was in fact, on the Highway to Hell for sure, as the endless music tracks blasted through the headphones. Every 3 minutes, my fears of whether my ears were bleeding was replaced with my fears of being in the tube, then my fears of Highway to Hell being an omen, then I would talk myself out of that, and then I would start envisioning that the Tech would not unlock the locker with my purse after the test, because my car keys were in it. Then the cycle would start over.
Finally, the Tech announced over the headphones that she was done, and rolled me out. As I was shakily getting up, echos of "highway to hell, highway to hell" reverberating in my brain, she told me to wait, that I had forgotten to fill out a form. I held my breath, because I was SURE that this was the do not drive your car
form, but it was only the usual TB form, that the hospital always had you fill out.
While I was filling it out, I commented on her pen, how it was a cool pen. I actually was making conversation as a plan to see if she made eye contact, having lung cancer has made me try to develop an immediate bond with doctors, nurses and technicians so that I can somehow develop my telepathic powers or read my new friend's body language to see whether the news is bad or good.
Anyway, she told me that she got it at Walmart, it was around $10.00. So being nice but to be totally honest not even caring about the pen I was so nervous still, I told her that I would have to get one. Suddenly, she thrust it toward me and said, here, you can have it
. I told her that I couldn't take her pen, and she said that yes, I could, she had another. Again, I told her thank you anyway, and once again she told me to take it, she insisted that I have it. By now I was starting to get alarmed.. why did she want me to have her pen so bad? What did she see that she felt sorry for me? Then she went to the locker and got my purse and the cup with the jewelry. I went to give her the cup back and she said, Why don't you keep that
?. And I said, Are you sure?
and she said, Yes, you keep it, we have plenty!.
By this time I was getting really stressed and I said to her, did you see something on my MRI that your being nice to me?
and she laughed and said Oh, stop it!
. Of course this wasn't a yes or no answer and didn't necessarily put my mind to ease!
The next day at work I was a nervous wreck. There were a handful of people there that knew I had gone for the test and when they asked me how it had gone, I told them glumly, The tech gave me her pen
. They just looked at me with a puzzled expression and would inch away, afraid to ask I'm sure. No one, of course, except myself got
the pen thing, and the significance that I was sure was there. I was SURE that the Tech had given it to me out of sympathy. And to make things worse, every time I went in my purse, the pen would somehow attach itself to my hand, mocking me, I was sure!
I called my Oncologist's nurse at the end of the day, and as usual, the test results weren't in, they are NEVER in when I call, and I had to wait for a call back. Needless to say, I don't "wait" well but when the call did come, the results were negative, and my MRI was clean. I guess I still have the pen in my purse, but can't remember anymore which one it is... it lost the large place it occupied in my thoughts as soon as I heard my test results were negative...how powerful our minds can be!
*Disclaimer: I am only really neurotic when I get odd pains or at test time. I only share this with you all, so that you will know that your not alone if you become temporarily insane, and that I know that I'm not alone when I get wacky. I actually look perfectly sane when seen on the street .
edited 1 time to take out strange symbols that appeared in my post